March 7, 2023
From Ben - Reality's Threads
"He's an absolute genius" I thought.
I went on an exchnage with a particular Elder, and he had been explaining, clarifying and expounding religious subjects of every kind for multiple hours on our exchange.
From Old Testament scholarship, Catholic Heirarchy, nationwide politics, restoration teachings and many nuanced and valuable connections throughout - it was such a brilliant display of an intellect refined and sharpened, and I was a great benefactor of it.
He had such a genuine love of learning and a courageous desire to know the truth.
I asked him questions about how he thought and how he learned and gleaned valuable insights on how to love the process of acquiring knowledge even deeper.
He led me to a super fun resource, the BYU studies website, which grants us open access to some of the most recent scholarship and literature being produced by that Univeristy
(Check it out, it will thrill your intellectual life)
I can say with confidence that this Elder might be one of the most intelligent people I've ever met.
It made me realize just how much I wanted to learn, and somewhat exposed me to the fact that I had slowed down my asking of genuine questions.
I'm realizing that anytime I begin feeling bored, or like I have little to learn in any category whatsoever, it means I have stopped seeking. I've stopped asking questions.
The quest for knowledge and truth will always be a vibrant adventure, but it has to be facilitated and sparked by our endowed agency.
We hold the capacity to enflame and ignite the deep recesses of divine intelligence we each posses, but sometimes, I think we just forget to
Life starts puttering along and I forget to embark on unexplored and faith focused paths.
(Awake my soul!)
Here's to another day on the frontier of learning.
However, in the midst of this exchange, and amazed by this missionary, he confided in me
"Elder Smith, I really just don't feel much hope for my future. Often, this big question of So What often lurks behind many of my thoughts"
This of course came as a big suprise to me, as this Elder both understood the Gospel at a level I'd never before seen, and also was making direct and concious efforts to have his life be in tune with the commandments and standards of His Father in Heaven.
To this moment, I still don't know the exact why this Elder felt that way.
We talked about it, and all the thoughts I presented to him were those he had already considered.
Which made it even more suprising!
To this point, I am still unsure to both the exact cause of this Elders sense of hopelessness, nor the direct solution.
But, from our conversation, we drew a conclusion.
It went something along the lines of.
If at any time, our thoughts, understandings, or conclusions result in a feeling of despair rather then hope, a lack of action rather then initiative, a deafening of life over a vibrancy, a loss of joy over a genuine joy, then in some way, even if unseen at the start, we have missed the mark.
Even the most wrenching questions regarding anything
- LGBT identity
- Mental Health
- Faith Crisis
- Seemingly insurmountable weaknesses
- Brutal circumstances
Can all retain hope and faith in light of the character and powers of the Holy One.
It's not to say we won't experience days and moments where our faith or hope are lessened - I experience that daily - but, it is to say that in those moments, we can recognize that we need to analyze our thoughts, pray as sincere as our heart allows us at that instant, and seek to regain that hope that is permanently locked into the fabric of our reality as we know it.
Even if that hope is that the Lord will consecrate our afflictions for our gain and that a release will come.
I know that even this perspective becomes harder to follow in the midst of our pain (for example, when I try to do a plank for a single minute, all of my energy and mental powers become locked in survival mode, and there is room for little other thoughts) but I believe that is also where the call to lift one another's burdens becomes so much more real.
I know of many occasions where others have lifted me out of suffocating perspectives and states of mind.
I know that because of One's triumph over suffering and death, hope, healing and joy remain welded into our future's pathways at any given time along that road.
We just gotta walk those paths
And we will with eachother!
In other news, I'm going to Oshawa to train an Elder in his second transfer, Elder Wack, who is from Germany and learning English.
I'm no longer a zone leader, and I'll miss the challenges that came from that responsibility.
I'll miss Elder Mercado, my Filipino friend (I never won a single game of 1 on 1 basketball with him )
Love you each!
- Elder Smith
[All these pictures make up moments made with the heroes of Hamilton, the missionaries I love]
Dear Ben,
Dad has had to deal with a lot of crying this past week, mostly from me, haha. When life feels a little too busy and certain things start to slide, tears come easy. It’s feeling like I’m falling short that does me in … But there have been some successes with pressing forward and continuing to do life together.
Disappointment #1: Mia was scouted out for a possible modeling situation. They want her for her freckles! In order to make it to the actual agency, Mia had to skip last block Chemistry and we had to zoom into Edmonton before I started work on a Wednesday. We showed up the first week but there was no one to take her picture. Apparently we needed to make an appointment although the girl said to show up between certain times. So we made an appointment for the following week and showed up in -30 weather to no one in the office; a mistake on their part. Third time is a charm and their last chance but the universe aligned.
Success! : She did her photo shoot and they’ll let us know in two weeks, lol! Something new for Mia to try out. And it was actually fun to go do something together. In our second week of disappointment we went for consolation ice cream at McDonalds and Tanner Robison was working, which was fun. Apparently we were all having a bad day and accidentally cheered each other up.
Disappointment #2: It was important to Abby to get great photos but she somehow missed getting them done at the school so also had to drive into Edmonton for a special shoot, but boy are we glad she did! Look at this beauty!
Success! Fridge magnets are now installed on our fridge door for all eternity.
Disappointment #3: I woke up on Tuesday with my assignment printed out and ready to hand in. I patted myself on the back for being ahead of the game until I realized I forgot the regular weekly readings with a personal presentation on primary source research. In my 15 minute time window before I had to leave, I sped read a chapter and printed off my primary source. And arrived at my class breathless and even a little early, then I remembered I forgot my source on the printer.
Success!: Dad to the rescue, who took a picture of my printed pages and texted them to me just minutes before my presentation. Phew!
Disappointment #4: Abby and I went together to get our hair cut. She loves hers but I disliked mine. Do I complain to Lindsey Olsen, who did the cuts? Or let it go? I was not in the best frame of mind to have annoying hair so I did the hard thing and let her know my hair wasn’t working out.
Success!: She fixed it for free (I love it now) and she explained she’d much rather play it safe by having to do it twice then cutting it too short the first time.
These are actually small things, really, but they do add up. And I don’t know why life sometimes feels heavier and harder sometimes. Or like we’re running at full tilt but the energy is just not there. I think the secret is to keep showing up no matter what. I always pray for help first, especially when I feel like giving up, then get on my feet and try. I repeat the mantra that effort is never wasted. And truly, I feel heaven helping me along all the time.
Pray for us this week though. It’s another busy one and we’re all dreading it a little, especially since our best support (Dad) is going away on a business trip on Saturday. He’ll be gone a week. He is, honestly, the absolute best and keeps us afloat when we’re sinking a little. Maybe he needs to get away for a little break, haha. He’s going to Switzerland and then Spain.
But we’ll keep going … and showing up. Cue Dory singing “just keep swimming 
“ And we’ll keep praying for you as we always do.
“ And we’ll keep praying for you as we always do. Love forever,
Mom
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