March 27, 2023

From Ben - The Mark, The Machine and Marriage

"Hey, uhh. Elder Smith?"

"Yeah, what's up?"
"I think you have a GIANT HOLE in your pants" 
"What?!"
(feels back of pants)
"Oh shoot, you're totally right. Guess I'm high-priesting it to church" 

R.I.P. both of my suit pants. 
I've neglected fixing my first set, which got hooked on a staple about a year ago, and have relied on my second set. 
But now, both have bit the dust, and I've been compelled by my circumstances to find a place to fix them up. 
So shall it be. 

One of the great pit-falls of missionary culture (which I have definitely participated in to my chagrin) is the tendency to look at other faiths and religions, and to no-one's credit, somewhat pick them apart in a humorous but belittling way. 
"Ere we are aware" we offend the Spirit and it patiently waits until we come to our senses and restore the conversation to a more Christlike tone. 
There is a correct way to analyze and discuss doctrines I disagree with (vehemently I might add), that maintains the respect and appreciation for those who practice those beliefs. 
We do believe that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is Christ's Church, which contains the fullness of His Gospel; this implies that other faiths and denominations don't have it all, and even err in their core beliefs about God. 
That's a big issue. 
However, for some reason, my brain will enter combat mode and feel the need to, with theological logic, disprove and discredit other faith beliefs.
Which I believe, in a really subtle way, is actually  suggesting to my heart and mind that they need more convincing of the truths I'm defending. 

When I have felt by the Spirit through sincere conversation with my Father in Heaven that He is real, or when I read the Book of Mormon and feel my soul expanding, I no longer have to try to defend my faith anymore (at least in the way my natural brain wants to). Because, in the midst of the real deal - the Spirit speaking to my heart - the thousand fun philosophical and logical reasonings for the truth fall a far second to the genuine witness I recieve. 
This means that when I neglect real, genuine connection with the both my Father and Savior through the Spirit daily, I immediately begin missing the mark and "contend with my learning, and deny the Holy Ghost, which giveth utterance" 
Which means I can't use shortcuts to build my faith, and I can't hide behind intellect. 
The Gospel of Jesus Christ is a relationship. Not a machine

I do sometimes view it that way though 
I was writing in my journal something like three days ago (shoutout to journal revelation) and a couple things clicked in my brain. 
This was written after Zone Conference, and I'll quote the entry

03/23/2023
"...I remembered my recent thoughts. One of them was about my relationship with Jesus Christ.
I wonder how deeply sometimes I really do love Him. 
I love His Gospel, I love the doctrines, I love the Church, I love the ideas and the theology.
But at it's core. My heart and mind sometimes have a harder time loving and serving the living breathing Jesus Christ. 
I feel maybe as if I view my Father in Heaven and my Savior as a vending machine, a divine mechanical system, with beautiful components, realities, inputs and outputs, feelings and themes, actions that produce blessings, prayers that bring answers. I feel as if I love the divine system yet am missing the actual WHY. 
Because it isn't just a "divine mechanical system [or Gospel]" it is a real, living relationship. With a real Father. With a real Savior. Each with bodies, feelings, hopes and goals.
Encouraging me, hoping for me, believing in me, suffering with me, inviting me, and speaking with me. 

They LIVE. They LOVE. 

... it's about the relationship"

To keep our covanents is to honor our relationship to our Father and our Savior. 
The commandments aren't just cold cut arbitrary laws, they are inseparably connected to the Lawgivers. 
Even the Atonement of Christ isn't just this bandage or healing ointment for sin, it is a healing and forgiving and uniting with Christ and our Father made possible through Jesus Christ, which power He recieved through His infinite suffering. 
To quote President Nelson, it cannot remain the "amorphous entity" we sometimes credit it to be. 
It is the living and breathing Jesus Christ who quite literally walks with us daily through His Spirit. 
Again, it highlights how pointless it is to try to shortcut our discipleship through half-hearted devotion. 
We are not just interacting with the "system" we are nurturing an eternal connection with our Eternal Family. 

Then stemming from this last train of thought, sprouted one final vine. 

Marriage. 

I got the "nearing the end of your mission" program which they call 'My Plan' 
I don't do this until my last six weeks on the field, but it sparked some thoughts. 
I kinda realized that if I neglect my spiritual, physical or mental fortitude, or cheapen my character through shortcut tactics, then the relationship I will be comfortable with will mirror my deficiencies. 
Why would I want to be with someone who has a rich soul and a champion character when my own is lacking. 
I'm not sure I could sustain that relationship, nor do I think that Celestial daughter would want to either. 
We'd both seek for someone who we'd be comfortable with. 
So the question becomes less of finding the one and more of becoming one who is able to genuinely love deeply, without cheap and shallow maneuvering. 

The blessing for me, and any fellow out there, or any marriage relationship, is that Christ and His Atonement are perfect, and through our Him we can find the healing, fortifying, and tutoring our souls need to allow for any relationship to character to become Celestial bound, or Celestial worthy. 

Sorry, I kinda use you all as a mental clarifier. 
I love writing these emails and they help solidify my thoughts and the feelings of my heart. 

I'm doing great even if I don't always state it during attempting to explain my thoughts. 
The area is so blessed, the ward is golden, and I love my companion, Elder Wack. 
I like being alive 
It's grand, and so are each of you 

Love you. 

- Elder Smith

[Just any assortment of pictures including Zone Conference get reunions, comp adventures, Zone P-day and maybe one or two extra]












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