May 23, 2023
From Ben: The Unexpected Need for Courage
For the last time, President looked at me with his discerning, piercing, and experienced eyes.
The final interview.
He told me to not artificially delay the making of my final covanent (getting married)
He explained how crucial it was to maintain habits of prayer and study.
He explained and made me commit to attending the temple at a bare minimum of once a month.
He explained that if I ever left the behind these truths, that he would hunt me down.
I accepted these conditions happily.
I asked what books he'd recommend, he gave me some.
I asked what thoughts he had about planning and goal setting, he gave me some.
Then it ended.
I don't know why it takes me so much courage to believe and accept the fact that someone truly, and deeply cares about me.
Maybe it's because I have an incorrect perception about "losing myself" in the service of others. I don't want to be selfish.
Maybe it's because I fear the expectation that such a real caring would bring me.
But for whatever reason, it takes me emotional and spiritual courage to believe that someone truly does want to spend time with me, listen, and care.
President Rulon Stacey, former Healthcare CEO, former head of an international health board, the holder of a PhD in Organizational Managament, a very rich man, and one who holds the Priesthood Keys to baptize converts in Ontario, choosing spend time with, listen to, and even serve an Elder Smith; short guy with glasses, high-school diploma, former landscaper, low-middle class economic standing, a regular missionary.
In the secular understanding of status and social circles, it would have been a radical and unbelievable reality that one such as I would ever be around, talk with, shake hands with, and serve alongside someone like President Stacey.
It just doesn't happen.
In the organization of heaven, the greatest shall be the least, and the chiefest our minister.
In spite of this correct understanding however, the latter truth has been challenging for me to accept.
Life is easier when I can fly under the radar of expectation and care.
My natural man wants freedom from the demands of true, familiar, love and connection.
I actually don't know why that's the case, as such a "freedom" is actually the ultimate hell.
It takes courage to believe that, with unfeigned love, in-spite of my radical character failings and weaknesses, there can be individuals, and in a higher reality, a God, my Father in Heaven, and a Savior, who chooses and wants to care about me, talk with me, help me, and comfort me. One who declares unequivocally that the worth of souls is great in His sight.
But, to accept that reality, that we do have worth, that we are actually loved, and wanted and needed, brings radical internal security. Even a firm foundation.
I'm just learning how to more completely and courageously accept that fact.
There was a day this last week, when I was just grumpy.
I hadn't organized my thoughts for that day, so I just kinda grumped.
Satan knew this fact, and laid a trap; a juicy piece of bait that I happily and knowingly chomped.
Elder Morrison and I were walking down the street, and saw a man leaning upon the railing on his porch, he had a sly grin on his face.
(Remember, I'm kinda angry for no reason at all right now)
and as we walks by, he says
"Have you two been saved?"
Time slowed down, my blood boiled a couple degrees warmer, and I recognized the opportunity to battle.
In my weaker state of mind, such an invitation was very enticing, and I completely and knowingly went for it.
I said
"You got 5 minutes?"
And the war of words and tumult of opinions ensued.
I contended with my learning and not the Spirit.
And as I sought to gratify my pride, the Spirit left and I "amened" my priesthood.
Elder Morrion pulled us away after the five minutes ended, and I left feeling like a goon.
It was the first and last time of the past 24 months that I actually sought for a chance to "bash"
Unpleasant.
I had to repent, however, we learn
It was such a good week.
I'm grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
Love you each!!
- Elder Smith
[Picture with Nealson, a champion member, a barbecue with the Elders, some notes during a Zone leadership council, a meme Elder Blum made and sent my way after my departing testimony, some other pics, then the notes from my final interview]
Dear Ben,
A few thoughts from church today to get started:
As I sat in Sunday School this morning, the instructor, Kris Stangeland, was discussing the story of the Savior cleansing the temple after his triumphal entry into Jerusalem. For some reason, the question came to my mind... "how does this apply to you?".
At first I couldn't think of anything, but as I started to ponder, the thought came to my mind that I could think about my body as a temple and ask myself, what cleansing do I need? I also pondered that it is more than just my physical body that is a temple, it is my soul which consists of my body, spirit and mind. So as I pondered this story from the New Testament, the question that came to me was, in what ways am I letting the world into my body, mind and soul and does it potentially need some cleansing. And who better to do that than the Savior. It wasn't hard for me to find things, with the help from the spirit, that needed to be cleaned up and the tables that need to be overturned in my life. Sufficeth it to say that I felt strongly that the world is too much with us and that I need to give more of my thoughts, time and effort to spiritual matters while balancing the realities of my temporal existence.
In Sacrament meeting, Sister Ballard, one of the sister missionaries serving in our ward, shared an experience from BYU-I where a bunch of YSA played a game where they would get dropped off at random spots within 10 minutes of downtown Rexburg and have to call and describe how to be found without using addresses or streets. She shared how by orienting themselves and sharing where they were in relation to the temple allowed them to be found extremely easily and that when they didn't know where they were in relation to the temple, it was a lot harder to be found. It was a powerful analogy for me to consider that the more I orient myself with my temple covenants including reminding myself of them regularly by attending the temple, the more easily will I be able to find the Savior and receive revelation about where I am in the larger scheme of things.
Finally, the words of the hymn "Do what is right" struck me powerfully during Sacrament meeting, especially the second verse.
The next few weeks are going to be amazing! This week, Stephanie, Tyler and Bowie arrive on Thursday, Abby and Mia are going to a temple trip Friday night, then a dance, Abby's grad takes up all Saturday. Looking forward to hearing her and Cadence sing at the Jubilee.
The week after, you arrive in time to hear Abby and I sing in our Community Choir concert and we look forward to an amazing reunion Sunday dinner the next day.
The week after that there is a Calgary youth temple trip and then we're into Summer and all its activities.
This week I was able to order in some top soil to fill around the cement pad and sidewalk as well as a load of washed rock for under the deck. I made a dent in it all yesterday, but lots of good exercise still to be had as we spread it all by hand.
It's been super smokey the last few days with all the wildfires around the province, especially up in Fox Creek
Hoping it settles down by the time you get home.
We enjoyed having Madison and Josh over for Sunday Dinner. They are busy planning the wedding and deciding about wedding invitation pictures. It's fun to see them get ready for this new phase of life.
Meanwhile, Mia has discovered the most killer recipe. I say killer, because I think it's going to kill me. I can't eat just one. She has discovered the art of making Macarons and they are deadly delicious. Be sure to request some when you get home.
Sure love you my boy. Life is good. Live these last two weeks of your mission to the fullest.
Love,
Dad
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